You would think that with my fourth child, I would have the confidence to say, “yep, Ive got this; I know what I’m doing.”
But if I’m honest, Ive felt a little lost and frustrated these past couple of months. Ive felt behind and defeated in everything – laundry, sleep, parenting, schooling. Mothering is hard. I like to think that’s a universal truth, but I shove it under the rug and tell myself otherwise, all in the name of perfectionism.
Yes, some remedies in motherhood hold reliable, but with each postpartum experience – when it’s hard, heavy, and I feel like, “what the heck am I doing?!” I hear that little voice in my head saying, “ you should know what you’re doing. This isn’t your first rodeo.”
Well, this isn’t my first rodeo, and this is not the same child as my first, second, or third. As I look at my babies’ sonograms and study their physical traits or hold them for the first time, I know I am gifted little beings with a uniqueness both spiritually and physically. Formed at the point of conception and unveiled as they pass through time. The depth of their human person is exposed. Each child different. Each child special.
So why is that every time I welcome a new baby, I expect life to be the same as before. I shouldn’t. Life is new; life is different; constantly evolving, changing, shifting. This new baby – in all her glory- has changed our family dynamic, routine, priorities – and for the better! But as someone who has a hard time adjusting to change, it is challenging to let go of worn tactics, leading to the doom of unmet, old expectations.
So I’m working on embracing the newness and unknowns this season of life has to offer and taking comfort in what I know. And that is the following:
Baby Kates’s preferred holding position is snug up on my chest or looking outward – it keeps the colicky spells at bay.
Penny is 3, so I know that when she screams “ I hate you,” it’s the turmoil that lives in every toddler talking, not my sweet P (or at least that’s what I’m going to let myself believe.)
All my “problems” are good problems to have. We are blessed.
And lastly, a truth that is often said, because it is a constant in a ever-changing world,
God is good, all of the time.